goin’ down again – i was like :DD and then I was :) and then went to :( and now i’m flipping back n forth between :@ or :[ or :s – i know the :) will come back and eventually the :DD, but i hate the streets of calcutta cyclothymic ‘coaster ride when you just drop over the edge and the g-forces jam your guts up into your throat…
this is what it feels like to me - it's not bi-polar, but it's bi-polar's ugly cousin - you know, the one that ends up owning a gas station or creating a software program that makes a ton of money, but you say, "who" when their name is mentioned...
cyclothymia ties in so well with addictive behavior and crazy, thrill seeking, people craving-avoiding, mini-funk behaviors that never, ever really stop - like a roller coaster. it's like, yeah!! lets go to batman or ghostrider or jurasic park - yay! run like crazy, smiles all over the place and then the funk starts - what? why's there a line? i'm here, it's me, there's not supposed to be lines! is there a shorter branch, hmmm... and everyone says chill-out, calm down or just talks and laughs and waits in anticipation or talks about the last ride and i'm stuck in my cranky-butt mood waiting in line. and the line is still a line and i'm still cranky butt surrounded by happy aliens. but oh wait, i'm near the front and am a happy camper again!! then the ride - yay the ride - i hate the ride, i really do
but i love one moment of the ride and i live for that one moment and endure all the rest just to experience that moment over and over and over again...
you get in and they give you a little whoopee to get you going, but you know it's coming and not the real thing so it isn't any fun and actually annoys me and on a bad day really pisses me off, but i digress - the false jolt and then a few wow-wee twists and turns and then it comes - it really comes, the true high, the true gut churning climb, the back-breaking 60, 70, 80 hour weeks of all out life consuming passion put into a project or a new something-or-other addiction and up we go, chug-chug-chug-chug-chug, up we go and the spring is getting wound tighter and then the drop - oh the drop really sucks too - i hate the line and i hate the little false starts, and i hate the build-up of the climb and i hate the drop...
what?? how can i hate the drop? that's when the screaming and grabbing and the adrenaline kicks in...i know, i know - but i hate the drop too. you say, well what's left? what's left, what's left? only a non addict or a non-cyclothymic would ask...
what do i love then?
i love that very, very brief interlude between going down and going up, one split second when the g-forces of acceleration and de-acceleration cancel each other out and it feels like weightlessness, nothingness, non-existence - and that to me is bliss - sheer, utter, complete bliss.
so now i feel :| and maybe almost :) since i've written and got that out there, but i'll feel :( and :0 and >:( and :@ soon enough... but through it all i have an anchor <>< that has kept me from goin off the rails entirely...whew
p.s. why the "calcutta 'coaster"? in third world countries (of which i've seen my share), abject poverty so often coexists on the same patch of sidewalk as does ecstasy - you literally can walk by a man in tattered clothes with missing limbs and/or open sores, and take two steps and there is another man with eyes closed and hands raised with a look of joy on his face, take another two steps and a dead child is dead and abandoned amidst the litter, and on-n-on...
this is what it feels like to me - it's not bi-polar, but it's bi-polar's ugly cousin - you know, the one that ends up owning a gas station or creating a software program that makes a ton of money, but you say, "who" when their name is mentioned...
cyclothymia ties in so well with addictive behavior and crazy, thrill seeking, people craving-avoiding, mini-funk behaviors that never, ever really stop - like a roller coaster. it's like, yeah!! lets go to batman or ghostrider or jurasic park - yay! run like crazy, smiles all over the place and then the funk starts - what? why's there a line? i'm here, it's me, there's not supposed to be lines! is there a shorter branch, hmmm... and everyone says chill-out, calm down or just talks and laughs and waits in anticipation or talks about the last ride and i'm stuck in my cranky-butt mood waiting in line. and the line is still a line and i'm still cranky butt surrounded by happy aliens. but oh wait, i'm near the front and am a happy camper again!! then the ride - yay the ride - i hate the ride, i really do
but i love one moment of the ride and i live for that one moment and endure all the rest just to experience that moment over and over and over again...
you get in and they give you a little whoopee to get you going, but you know it's coming and not the real thing so it isn't any fun and actually annoys me and on a bad day really pisses me off, but i digress - the false jolt and then a few wow-wee twists and turns and then it comes - it really comes, the true high, the true gut churning climb, the back-breaking 60, 70, 80 hour weeks of all out life consuming passion put into a project or a new something-or-other addiction and up we go, chug-chug-chug-chug-chug, up we go and the spring is getting wound tighter and then the drop - oh the drop really sucks too - i hate the line and i hate the little false starts, and i hate the build-up of the climb and i hate the drop...
what?? how can i hate the drop? that's when the screaming and grabbing and the adrenaline kicks in...i know, i know - but i hate the drop too. you say, well what's left? what's left, what's left? only a non addict or a non-cyclothymic would ask...
what do i love then?
i love that very, very brief interlude between going down and going up, one split second when the g-forces of acceleration and de-acceleration cancel each other out and it feels like weightlessness, nothingness, non-existence - and that to me is bliss - sheer, utter, complete bliss.
so now i feel :| and maybe almost :) since i've written and got that out there, but i'll feel :( and :0 and >:( and :@ soon enough... but through it all i have an anchor <>< that has kept me from goin off the rails entirely...whew
p.s. why the "calcutta 'coaster"? in third world countries (of which i've seen my share), abject poverty so often coexists on the same patch of sidewalk as does ecstasy - you literally can walk by a man in tattered clothes with missing limbs and/or open sores, and take two steps and there is another man with eyes closed and hands raised with a look of joy on his face, take another two steps and a dead child is dead and abandoned amidst the litter, and on-n-on...
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