I wish it weren’t so, but it is – “life,” as it’s termed, with its usual daily activities, friends and family, seems so often muted to me.
I was in a group once and we were talking about why we do, or did do drugs – most had typical responses, “to feel energetic, or excited” or “to feel mellow, to chill.” When I was asked, the answer popped out without forethought, I said, “to feel normal.”
I guess right-brain disordered folk (ADD, ADHD etc.) are missing some chemicals that the normies have. When we take an “upper” like cocaine or amphetamines we temporarily reach chemical levels similar to the everyday joe.
I don’t “do” drugs anymore, too many consequences and not another “bottom” left for me to hit, but I have been known to pursue a thrill or two since my clean & sober timeline started. Well, ok, lots of thrill-seeking channeled through work, play and sports. The adrenaline does the job, kinda, sorta, temporarily, and the aching, gnawing hunger for “normal” recedes a little toward the back of my being.
But it’s still a high I chase.
Religion has helped me too, not exactly religion. Actually, most definitely not religion! Not it’s steeples and bells and stained-glass windows – not the conformity, not the traditions, not the governing rules, not the promises or platitudes either. Religion hasn’t helped at all – I lied. But there have been times it felt like I walked with God, and the two halves of my brain became one and my body dissolved and I was even more than “normal” and I felt free. It was as Paul Tillich alluded to in his “Courage To Be” treatise; for a moment I was able to transcend to the God above the God of theism and religion. I was allowed to transcend the part, and to transcend the whole – to just be.
It may not be till my eyes are closed in sleep, to awake no more, before I am “right” and at home within myself. It may be as Emily Dickenson said, “Dying is a wild night and a new road.”
I think this is what all my recklessness is leading to, what I have looked for on all my motorcycle rides, far-away missions and the high I have chased all my life. I won’t hasten death, but when it arrives, it will be sweeter than any lover’s tryst has ever been.
Until then I will be grateful for the many blessings in my life, my wife, my children, my friends, my health, for grace - ah, vive la grace. I will try to walk at sunset, perceive the wind as it plays against my skin, be moved by words & song, smile more often than not, and laugh at myself for being the fool I am.
To you out there that seem to always chase a high, good luck with that, and;