Richard Giberti

Monday, January 21, 2013

Links for Rich Giberti

Rich Giberti Biography & Links...

Richard E. Giberti, aka Rich Giberti, aka R Scott Giberti, 51 currently lives in Lakewood, Colorado.

Giberti, recognized as a Skilled and dedicated Executive Assistant with more than 25 years experience coordinating, planning, and supporting daily operational and administrative functions is currently attending Red Rocks Community College under a special VA program. Rich Giberti is being retrained as an electrician and solar photovoltaic system installer.

As an executive Giberti:

Demonstrated capacity to provide comprehensive support for executive-level staff; excel at scheduling meetings, coordinating travel, and managing all essential tasks.
Proven track record of accurately completing research, reporting, and information management within time frames.
Adept at developing and maintaining administrative processes that reduce redundancy, improve accuracy and efficiency, and achieve organizational objectives.
Highly focused and results-oriented in supporting complex, deadline-driven operations; able to identify goals and priorities and resolve issues in initial stages.

Proficient in Microsoft Office Suite (Word, Outlook, Excel, PowerPoint), Google Docs, Blackberry, Intuit QuickBooks & Quicken, Windows and Mac OS; Adobe Dreamweaver, and Restaurant Industry Point of Sale Systems (POS).

Richard Giberti’s 30 year Professional Experience has been varied, Giberti has traveled as a missionary to over 40 countries, as well as many states domestically as an evangelist and public speaker. Giberti has started and run several businesses including a charter school, counseling agency, investment firm and publishing company.

Giberti’s resume includes:

Regulus Land & Investment, LLC., Lakewood, CO
5/2005-Present

First Stone Publishing, LLC., Lakewood, CO
4/2007--Present
Author/Editor/Publisher
Giberti has written, edited and published multiple works, including:

William Branham, Acts of a Prophet, By Pearry Green (Giberti was Editor and Project Manager)
A Summary of the Seven Seals - As Revealed to William Branham (Giberti authored this work, summarizing the doctrines of the Seven Seals of the Book of Revelation as revealed by Divine inspiration to Prophet William Branham)
Unlocking The King James Bible’s Common Words and Phrases – A Dictionary For Today’s Reader (Giberti was author, Editor)
One Million Deaths and a Black Man...One in a Billion! The Odds of Amazing Modern Prophecy (Giberti was author, Editor)
America, You Will be Destroyed! Thus Saith the Lord. Amazing Prophecies of William Branham (Giberti was author, Editor)
Paul Cain--A Prophet in the Hall of Kings (Giberti was author, Editor)

Paradiso Italiano, LLC., Lakewood, CO (Virgilio's Pizzeria Napoletana-Lakewood)
7/2010--7/2011
President/General Manager

Direct sales and profitability of high-image, #1 rated, full service Italian restaurant founded in 2005 and generating over $1,300,000 annual sales.
Voted "Best NY-style Pizza" by AOL CitySearch, 2010-11; Voted "Best of the ‘Burbs--Pizza" by 5280, Magazine April 2011; Awarded ZAGAT Rating Best Restaurant “Authentic New York Pizza” 2010-11; Rated #1 Pizza in Colorado in USA Today “51 Great Pizza Parlors” November5, 2010; Voted “Best Customer Service” by Talk of the Town, 2010-11.

TLC Charter Schools, Inc., Tucson, AZ
1/1999--5/2010
Chief Executive Officer/Director

Shining Light Assembly, Inc., Tucson, AZ
7/1985--Present
President

Paul-Harris Travel, Inc., Tucson, AZ
7/1983--9/1985
Outside Sales Agent

Petrini’s Pizzeria; Ferrero’s Italian Restaurant; Old Mountain House, Tucson, Arizona
1/1976-- 5/1980
Kitchen Manager/Cook

Job(s) Summary
During the years of 1985--Present, as Executive Director Giberti was responsible to the Board of Directors for the management and execution of the mission, vision, policies, and strategies of TLC Charter Schools, Inc. (TLCCS), Shining Light Assembly, Inc., Regulus Land & Investment, LLC., and First Stone Publishing, LLC. Richard Giberti provided leadership, built community and public relationships, managed grants, oversaw fundraising, managed financial plans, developed the annual budget and managed administrative responsibilities. Giberti worked with outside organizations, community leaders, various staff and Board of Directors.

Provided Leadership
• Giberti dentified, assessed, and informed the Principal of internal and external issues that affected the organization.
• Giberti acted as a professional advisor to the Principal on all aspects of the organization’s activities.
• Giberti worked with all Principals to foster effective teamwork between the Board of Directors and the Executive Director, and between the Executive Director and staff.
• Giberti demonstrated ethical and confidential business practices and ensured actions are aligned with the values of the organization and state & federal law.
• Giberti assessed problem situations to identify root causes, gathered and processed relevant information, generated solutions, and made recommendations.
• Giberti thought strategically to assessed trends and conditions in the environment and determined the impact on the vision and values of the organization.

Built Community and Public Relationships
• On behalf of the Organization Giberti acted as a spokesperson in the community promoting the vision, the mission, and the philosophy of TLCCS.
• On behalf of the Organization Giberti built strong relationships with organizations, community leaders, volunteers, donors and potential donors.

Managed Financial Plans
• Giberti developed and monitored the annual operating budget and the organization's finances.
• Giberti managed corporate cost to ensure financial goals were met.
• Giberti oversaw relevant financial reporting.
• Giberti insured sound bookkeeping and accounting procedures were followed, and that independent external audit was successful.

Giberti’s educational experience includes an Associate of Arts in Human Services from the University of Maine, Bachelor of Arts in Behavioral Sciences from the University of Maine, and a Master of Arts in Clinical & Career Counseling from Chapman University.

Giberti’s credentials included a LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor) with the State of Arizona, Arizona Board of Behavioral Health; a LISAC (Licensed Independent Substance Abuse Counselor) with the State of Arizona, Arizona Board of Behavioral Health; an NCC (National Certified Counselor) with the national Board for Certified Counselors; and a SAP (Substance Abuse Professional) with the U.S. Department of Transportion.

Giberti Co-Founded and/or successfully ran seven different businesses over 30 years: Midnight Cactus Haulers, Rainbow Gifts & Sundries, Shining Light Assembly (Maine and Arizona), TLC Charter Schools, Inc., Regulus Land and Investment, LLC, First Stone Publishing, LLC, and Paradiso Italiano, Inc..

Until he completes his VA training in Solar Photovoltaic Systems and is certified as NABCEP PV installer, Giberti will continue to write and be available for ministry and public speaking. Once Giberti is certified he hopes to obtain a position in the solar panel field and gain the experience need to launch his own solar PV business.

Giberti will receive his certification as an NABCEP Solar Photovoltaic installer in May, 2013. The North American Board of Certified Energy Practitioners (NABCEP) Solar PV Installer Certification is North America’s only renewable energy personnel certification that has been ANSI accredited to the internationally recognized ISO/IEC 17024 standard.[ http://www.nabcep.org/]

Links for Giberti, Rich Giberti, Richard Giberti, R Scott Gibert:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Richard_Giberti

https://www.facebook.com/richard.giberti

http://www.linkedin.com/pub/rich-giberti/51/b15/282

http://www.linkedin.com/pub/richard-giberti/3a/105/972

http://www.linkedin.com/pub/rich-giberti/7/661/82b

http://richgiberti.com/?nr=0

http://richgiberti.net/?nr=0

http://richgiberti.blogspot.com/2008/03/richard-giberti-takes-his-blog-for-spin.html

http://www.firststonellc.com/

http://www.tlc-inc.org/

http://www.merchantcircle.com/business/TLC.Consulting.-.Rich.Giberti.520-360-2567

http://www.scribd.com/rich_giberti

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1479781/

http://www.amazon.com/review/RVYXYOH4136WV

http://www.amazon.com/gp/pdp/profile/A1RYQ83BDRAPCB/ref=cm_cr_rdp_pdp

http://www.b2byellowpages.com/company-information/123-10239-rich-giberti-regulus-land.html

http://www.igotbiz.com/zs118395-TLC-Consulting---Rich-Giberti

http://www.mylife.com/rich-giberti

http://www.blogger.com/profile/17510159373488437285

http://richardgiberti.blogspot.com/

http://richgiberti.blogspot.com/

http://www.bloglines.com/company/28076657/First.Stone.Publishing.LLC.-.Rich.Giberti.LAKEWOOD.CO.520-360-2567

https://picasaweb.google.com/rich.giberti

http://twitter.com/rgiberti

https://picasaweb.google.com/rich.giberti/GFamily#5375768966100597154

http://peeepl.com/people/rich-giberti/

http://www.classmates.com/people/Rich-Giberti/8686660132

http://www.webboar.com/whois-email/rich.giberti@gmail.com

https://profiles.google.com/rich.giberti/about

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=+r+scott+giberti&x=0&y=0

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=r+scott+giberti&rh=n%3A283155%2Ck%3Ar+scott+giberti

http://www.amazon.com/William-Branham-Prophet-Pearry-Green/dp/1463711344/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358780597&sr=1-3&keywords=r+scott+giberti

http://www.amazon.com/Summary-Seven-Seals-Revealed-ebook/dp/B0020MMNCO/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358780649&sr=1-4&keywords=r+scott+giberti

http://www.amazon.com/Unlocking-James-Bibles-Common-Phrases/dp/1427620938/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358780679&sr=1-5&keywords=r+scott+giberti

http://www.amazon.com/Million-Deaths-Black-Man-One-Billion/dp/0578014602/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358780696&sr=1-6&keywords=r+scott+giberti

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1479781/filmotype

http://www.amazon.com/gp/pdp/profile/A1RYQ83BDRAPCB

http://www.bloglines.com/company/28076664/Regulus.Land.And.Investment.-.Rich.And.TIna.Giberti.520-603-1499

http://richgiberti.blogspot.com/2009/12/dilemma-of-little-drummer-boy-by.html

http://richgiberti.blogspot.com/2008_03_01_archive.html

http://starpas.azcc.gov/scripts/cgiip.exe/WService=wsbroker1/names-detail.p?name-id=L13611608&type=L.L.C.

http://starpas.azcc.gov/scripts/cgiip.exe/WService=wsbroker1/names-detail.p?name-id=L12021370&type=L.L.C.

Links for Books Authored/Edited/Published:

William Branham, Acts of a Prophet, By Pearry Green (Giberti was Editor and Project Manager)

[http://www.amazon.com/William-Branham-Prophet-Pearry-Green/dp/1463711344/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358780597&sr=1-3&keywords=r+scott+giberti]
[ http://www.amazon.com/William-Branham-The-Acts-Prophet/dp/1463711344]

A Summary of the Seven Seals - As Revealed to William Branham (Giberti authored this work, summarizing the doctrines of the Seven Seals of the Book of Revelation as revealed by Divine inspiration to Prophet William Branham)

[http://www.amazon.com/Summary-Seven-Seals-Revealed-ebook/dp/B0020MMNCO/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358780649&sr=1-4&keywords=r+scott+giberti]
[ http://www.amazon.com/Summary-Seven-Seals-Revealed-ebook/dp/B0020MMNCO]

Unlocking The King James Bible’s Common Words and Phrases – A Dictionary For Today’s Reader (Giberti was author, Editor)

[http://www.amazon.com/Unlocking-James-Bibles-Common-Phrases/dp/1427620938/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358780679&sr=1-5&keywords=r+scott+giberti]
[ http://www.amazon.com/Unlocking-James-Bibles-Common-Phrases/sim/1427620938/2]

One Million Deaths and a Black Man...One in a Billion! The Odds of Amazing Modern Prophecy (Giberti was author, Editor)

[http://www.amazon.com/Million-Deaths-Black-Man-One-Billion/dp/0578014602/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358780696&sr=1-6&keywords=r+scott+giberti]
[ http://www.amazon.com/Million-Deaths-Black-Man-One-Billion/dp/0578014602]
[ http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/one-million-deaths-and-a-black-manone-in-a-billion-r-scott-giberti/1032166087]
[ http://books.google.com/books/about/One_Million_Deaths_and_a_Black_Man_one_i.html?id=uXFUPgAACAAJ]
[ http://www.ebay.com/ctg/One-Million-Deaths-and-Black-Man-one-Billion-R-Scott-Giberti-2009-Paperback-/73325987]

America, You Will be Destroyed! Thus Saith the Lord. Amazing Prophecies of William Branham (Giberti was author, Editor)

[ http://www.amazon.com/America-Will-Destroyed-Saith-LORD/dp/0983947120/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358784648&sr=1-2]
[ http://www.amazon.com/America-Will-Destroyed-Saith-LORD/dp/1427620946]
[ http://www.tower.com/america-you-will-be-destroyed-thus-saith-lord-paperback/wapi/119508700]
[ http://books.google.com/books/about/America_You_Will_Be_Destroyed.html?id=pQhMygAACAAJ]

Paul Cain--A Prophet in the Hall of Kings (Giberti was author, Editor)

[ http://www.amazon.com/Paul-Cain---Prophet-Hall-Kings/dp/0983947104/ref=sr_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358784648&sr=1-9]
[ http://www.amazon.com/Paul-Cain-A-Prophet-Hall-Kings/dp/0983947104]
[ http://www.bookrenter.com/paul-cain-a-prophet-in-the-hall-of-kings-between-iraq-eh-rok-and-a-hard-place-giberti-0983947104-9780983947103]
[ http://www.popscreen.com/p/MTAxNDQ4NTU1/Amazoncom-Paul-CainA-Prophet-in-the-Hall-of-Kings-Between-Iraq-]
[ http://www.openisbn.com/preview/0983947104/]
[ http://www.shelfari.com/books/25520070/Paul-Cain--A-Prophet-in-the-Hall-of-Kings-Between-Iraq-%28eh-rok%29-]
[http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://cb.pbsstatic.com/l/03/7103/9780983947103.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.paperbackswap.com/Paul-Cain-Prophet-R-Scott-Giberti/book/0983947104/&h=279&w=186&sz=16&tbnid=l6n3S8wMmek0BM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=60&zoom=1&usg=__bymxAEkHrcUTOP6y6CyH-Kp7rKk%3D&docid=Tc7YtMfDDgFduM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=oWn9UN2kCIHliALW0IFI&ved=0CGgQ9QEwCTgK&gbv=1&sei=yGn9UN7gKoH7igK8yoCwBw]
[http://www.paperbackswap.com/Paul-Cain-Prophet-R-Scott-Giberti/book/0983947104/]

First Stone Publishing, LLC™

12081 W. Alameda Pkwy #244

Lakewood, Colorado 80228

520-360-2567

sales@firststonellc.com

Monday, December 14, 2009

Here's to a Wild Night and a New Road! by Richard Giberti

Here's to a Wild Night and a New Road!

Friday, October 9, 2009 at 12:52pm
It seems some of us are always chasing a high…

I wish it weren’t so, but it is – “life,” as it’s termed, with its usual daily activities, friends and family, seems so often muted to me.

I was in a group once and we were talking about why we do, or did do drugs – most had typical responses, “to feel energetic, or excited” or “to feel mellow, to chill.” When I was asked, the answer popped out without forethought, I said, “to feel normal.”

I guess right-brain disordered folk (ADD, ADHD etc.) are missing some chemicals that the normies have. When we take an “upper” like cocaine or amphetamines we temporarily reach chemical levels similar to the everyday joe.

I don’t “do” drugs anymore, too many consequences and not another “bottom” left for me to hit, but I have been known to pursue a thrill or two since my clean & sober timeline started. Well, ok, lots of thrill-seeking channeled through work, play and sports. The adrenaline does the job, kinda, sorta, temporarily, and the aching, gnawing hunger for “normal” recedes a little toward the back of my being.

But it’s still a high I chase.

Religion has helped me too, not exactly religion. Actually, most definitely not religion! Not it’s steeples and bells and stained-glass windows – not the conformity, not the traditions, not the governing rules, not the promises or platitudes either. Religion hasn’t helped at all – I lied. But there have been times it felt like I walked with God, and the two halves of my brain became one and my body dissolved and I was even more than “normal” and I felt free. It was as Paul Tillich alluded to in his “Courage To Be” treatise; for a moment I was able to transcend to the God above the God of theism and religion. I was allowed to transcend the part, and to transcend the whole – to just be.

It may not be till my eyes are closed in sleep, to awake no more, before I am “right” and at home within myself. It may be as Emily Dickenson said, “Dying is a wild night and a new road.”

I think this is what all my recklessness is leading to, what I have looked for on all my motorcycle rides, far-away missions and the high I have chased all my life. I won’t hasten death, but when it arrives, it will be sweeter than any lover’s tryst has ever been.

Until then I will be grateful for the many blessings in my life, my wife, my children, my friends, my health, for grace - ah, vive la grace. I will try to walk at sunset, perceive the wind as it plays against my skin, be moved by words & song, smile more often than not, and laugh at myself for being the fool I am.

To you out there that seem to always chase a high, good luck with that, and;

Cheers!

by Richard Giberti

Here's to a Wild Night and a New Road! by Rich Giberti

Here's to a Wild Night and a New Road!

Friday, October 9, 2009 at 12:52pm

It seems some of us are always chasing a high…

I wish it weren’t so, but it is – “life,” as it’s termed, with its usual daily activities, friends and family, seems so often muted to me.

I was in a group once and we were talking about why we do, or did do drugs – most had typical responses, “to feel energetic, or excited” or “to feel mellow, to chill.” When I was asked, the answer popped out without forethought, I said, “to feel normal.”

I guess right-brain disordered folk (ADD, ADHD etc.) are missing some chemicals that the normies have. When we take an “upper” like cocaine or amphetamines we temporarily reach chemical levels similar to the everyday joe.

I don’t “do” drugs anymore, too many consequences and not another “bottom” left for me to hit, but I have been known to pursue a thrill or two since my clean & sober timeline started. Well, ok, lots of thrill-seeking channeled through work, play and sports. The adrenaline does the job, kinda, sorta, temporarily, and the aching, gnawing hunger for “normal” recedes a little toward the back of my being.

But it’s still a high I chase.

Religion has helped me too, not exactly religion. Actually, most definitely not religion! Not it’s steeples and bells and stained-glass windows – not the conformity, not the traditions, not the governing rules, not the promises or platitudes either. Religion hasn’t helped at all – I lied. But there have been times it felt like I walked with God, and the two halves of my brain became one and my body dissolved and I was even more than “normal” and I felt free. It was as Paul Tillich alluded to in his “Courage To Be” treatise; for a moment I was able to transcend to the God above the God of theism and religion. I was allowed to transcend the part, and to transcend the whole – to just be.

It may not be till my eyes are closed in sleep, to awake no more, before I am “right” and at home within myself. It may be as Emily Dickenson said, “Dying is a wild night and a new road.”

I think this is what all my recklessness is leading to, what I have looked for on all my motorcycle rides, far-away missions and the high I have chased all my life. I won’t hasten death, but when it arrives, it will be sweeter than any lover’s tryst has ever been.

Until then I will be grateful for the many blessings in my life, my wife, my children, my friends, my health, for grace - ah, vive la grace. I will try to walk at sunset, perceive the wind as it plays against my skin, be moved by words & song, smile more often than not, and laugh at myself for being the fool I am.

To you out there that seem to always chase a high, good luck with that, and;

Cheers!

The AA of Bill W. by Rich Giberti

The AA of Bill W.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009 at 5:06pm

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am absolutely NOT against ministers or church-going (I attend a fantastic Calvary Chapel), I believe they have their place and for the most part provide a great and needed service. I also believe that many, if not most recovering persons greatly benefit from 12-step meetings and a great sponsor ;)

Despite the form with which church and 12-step groups take, there is a better and more effectual path than mentor & meeting – paradoxically, it was Bill Wilson that said real freedom came from a “spiritual experience – in short, a genuine conversion.” I think Bill W. would shake his head in disbelief were he to listen to people claim a light bulb or door knob were their higher power. Neither of these (nor the church, or even a good man) can change our nature and remove destructive thirsts. In 1961 eminent psychiatrist Carl Jung reiterated this point to Bill W. in a letter, Dr. Jung wrote; “You see, "alcohol" in Latin is "spiritus" and you use the same word for the highest religious experience as well as for the most depraving poison. The helpful formula therefore is: spiritus contra spiritum.” Translated, the divine spirit is against (counteracts/defeats) spirits (alcohol).

Dr. Jung said that the (alcoholic or addicts) deep craving was the equivalent, on a low level, of the spiritual thirst of our being for wholeness; expressed in medieval language: the union with God.

After years of degenerate living, and following hard on the heals of 1929’s Black Tuesday, Bill W. had finally and irrevocably reached his “bottom.” According to the standard tale Bill’s life-changing experience went something like this:

After repeatedly failing to get his drinking under control, Wilson, trembling on the brink of insanity, called up into the sky, “If there be a God, let Him show Himself now!” Suddenly, a warm bright light filled the room and Wilson found himself standing atop a mighty mountain. A wind came to him, surrounding his body and moving through it. With its departure, Wilson fell back into himself and never touched another drop of alcohol.

Listen to how Bill W. described the events leading to his personal freedom:

“In December 1934, I appeared at Towns Hospital, New York. My old friend, Dr. William Silkworth shook his head. Soon free of my sedation and alcohol I felt horribly depressed. My friend Ebby turned up and although glad to see him, I shrank a little as I feared evangelism, but nothing of the sort happened. After some small talk, I again asked him for his neat little formula for recovery. Quietly and sanely and without the slightest pressure he told me and then he left.

Lying there in conflict, I dropped into the blackest depression I had ever known. Momentarily my prideful depression was crushed. I cried out, "Now I am ready to do anything - anything to receive what my friend Ebby has." Though I certainly didn't expect anything, I did make this frantic appeal, "If there be a God, will He show Himself!" The result was instant, electric beyond description. The place seemed to light up, blinding white. I knew only ecstasy and seemed on a mountain. A great wind blew, enveloping and penetrating me. To me, it was not of air but of Spirit. Blazing, there came the tremendous thought, "you are a free man." Then the ecstasy subsided. Still on the bed, I now found myself in a new world of consciousness which was suffused by a Presence. One with the Universe, a great peace came over me. I thought, ‘So this is the God of the preachers, this is the great Reality.’"

Isn’t this electric, ecstatic, peace & freedom inducing experience what most of us are seeking? Neither 12-steps, nor one thousand are the answer. It's not another painful, difficult, confusing relationship with either man or group we want, but a soul-satisfying, thirst-quenching encounter and subsequent friendship with God.

Imagine No John Lennon, It's Easy.... by Rich Giberti

Imagine No John Lennon, It's Easy....

Thursday, October 15, 2009 at 11:31am

Imagine --

John Lennon wanted us to give up all our possessions and religion to achieve a brotherhood of man. This revelation undoubtedly came to him while he had a net worth of over $150 Million and as he watched homeless people during his limo ride to & from the Dakota, that luxury apartment building in New York (or was it the slums of India?)...

This special touch of hypocrisy and self-righteousness earns this song 1st place on my most idiotic songs list.

Lennon? Remember he's the one that felt that The Beatles were more popular than Jesus, and that Christianity would vanish and shrink? Lennon? Where's he at? Interestingly, after his remarks, The Beatles never toured again, ceased to perform concerts, feuded and shortly disbanded.

Ask me and millions of other to truly imagine a world or our lives without Jesus and you'd hear an astounding chorus cry out, "Never!"

But imagine a world without John Lennon, it's easy, heck, we've been doing it for over 25 years...

Really, Really, Really Stupid Lyrics by Rich Giberti

Really, Really, Really Stupid Lyrics

Saturday, October 17, 2009 at 1:21am

Really, Really, Really Stupid Lyrics – ya got any? Add to the growing list of misery…

"There were plants and birds and rocks and things"
--America's “Horse With No Name”

Uhuh – dudes, you been smokin’ way too much mary jane. Sounds like you got a-hold of that Tai stick, laced with opium my best friend’s older brother got from a wacked out returning vet in the 70’s. I can just see this band's lyricist getting started listing what he saw and then just totally spacing out, then coming to and finishing the line with “and things.” Adam and James said you should have seen their first draft; “There were papers, rocks and scissors, man!”

"Seasons crying no despair, alligator lizards in the air"
--America's “Ventura Highway”

I hate the band America! Of all things for us Venturans to be remembered by…why not Pomona Freeway, or Pasadena Freeway, or even the Victor V. Veysey Expressway – these lyrics discouraged me so much I had to move away from Ventura.

"Lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains"
--Shakira's “Whenever, Wherever”

Ahh yes, these lyrics really should be on this list. People really like this song; oh wait, they like the video. Shakira’s inclusion of these lyrics are both cleverly and philanthropically a fantastic nod to visit the war-torn Cambodian tourist resort called “Virtuous Woman's Breast Mountain” (it really exists in Cambodia, but the report is there weren’t enough virtuous woman in America to start a chain). P-Diddy, Snoop Dog and 50 Cent are rumored to be offering guided tours, the ad in High Times reads, “located about 400 Kilometers from Phnom Penh…” Who said today’s artists are all fixated on sex, drugs and money? Not Shakira, you go girl!

"There's an insect in your ear, if you scratch, it won't disappear"
--U2's “Staring at the Sun”

No way, no, no beep beep way. I’m not even going to dignify this song or its syphilitic lyrical offspring by providing a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 running dialogue. I’ll let Bono tell you the best way to fully and completely enjoy his chanté, he provides the answer in the very same song “don't try too hard to think... don't think at all.”

"Coast to coast, L.A. to Chicago"
--Sade's “Smooth Operator”

Lyrics like these are painful, really, ouch, oww, painful. That’s why her fans and followers are called…you got it – sadists. Forgetting for a second the fact that Chicago is not on an ocean coast, it still is a fairly long trip to get from LA (that's Louisiana in this instance) to the Windy City in time for a Thursday slow dance. If we can but set aside Sade’s being geographically and topographically challenged, this could have been a Beach Boys jam – “yo, Brian, I heard the swell’s killer in Chi-Town, grab your stick and let’s load up the woody now, let’s head to Chicago. Waa waa wipe-out!”

“Before the cream sits out too long, you must whip it… I say whip it, whip it good.”
--Devo’s “Whip It”

Anyone know the name and location of the dude ranch in Arizona where Devo actually saw this act and used it for the song and video inspiration? Honey, repeat after me, “when a problem comes along, you must whip it…” Ahh, I feel much better – who needs a drink or a shrink?

“You can say that I'm one curly fry in the box of the regular, messing with the flavor oh the flavor that you savor. Saving me for last but you better not eat me at all, living in a fast food bag making friends with the ketchup and salt”
--Jason Mraz’s "Too Much Food"

Look at a letter from Jason’s 1st grade teacher: “Dear Mr. And Mrs. Mraz; we are required to inform you that your son is special. He loves the sound of nonsensical rhyming words, and doesn’t appear to live in the same world as his peers. Please find an outlet for him, I would suggest hip-hop, rap or contemporary rhyming.” His rhyming is so awful it leaves me curled up in a corner of the room in a fetal position, banging my head against the wall.

“Oh tell your Aunt Louise, tell anything you please. Myself already knows that I'm okay. But don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart. I just don't think it'd understand”
--Billy Ray Cyrus’s “Achy Breaky Heart”

Myself already knows? Dear ghost of rednecks past – no wonder Miley (who legally changed her name to Miley) is schizophrenic and wants to be somebody, anybody other than who she is.

"You're so vain you probably think this song is about you. You're so vain I bet you think this song is about you. Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?"
--Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain”

A version that made sense would have to go along the lines of: You're so vain that, even if this song wasn't actually about you, which it is, you would probably think that it was. Not as catchy, but no longer batspit insane.

“I look at the floor, and I see it needs sweeping. Still my guitar gently weeps.”
--The Beatles’ “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”

Really? Why did his guitar weep? Was George so stoned that he picked up his guitar and used it to sweep the floor? To be honest, this is a great melodic Beatles song, which is one of those weird things everyone experiences, like a favorite pizza topping, or a favorite failed TGIF show. However, If George was too busy swapping wives with Eric Clapton to clean or create a coherent rhyme scheme, that's his problematic legacy.

“Obla-di, obla-da…”
--The Beatles’ ‘Obli-di Obli-da?’

Obla-oh-never-mind! The Beatles proved conclusively that there were two things they could not do: play reggae and feign enjoyment. “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” was a ska track recorded at a point during the White Album sessions when the Beatles would happily have beaten one another to death if only they had had some clubs on hand. Worst Moment? The woefully unconvincing laughter in the final line: “If you want some fun — heh-heh-heh-heh! — take ob-la-di-bla-da!”

“Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come.
Corporation tee-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday.
Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long.
I am the eggman (woo), they are the eggmen (woo), I am the walrus,
Coo coo, kachoo.”
--The Beatles’ “I am the Walrus”

Oh man, if you ever want to demystify the 60’s and the whole “turn on, tune in, drop out” era, go back and read the lyrics from the Liverpool boys. These blokes make Brooks and Dunn look positively Shakespearean. Now let’s go boot scootin’ boogie…

“He wear no shoeshine he got toe-jam football” or maybe

“He bag production he got walrus gumboot”, no? or maybe

"He got ono sideboard he one spinal cracker
He got feet down below his knee
Hold you in his armchair you can feel his disease
Come together right now over me”
--The Beatles’ “Come Together”

This gem was written during the infamous “Sleep-in” with Lennon & Ono. Nothing good could have ever come from a tumble in bed with either Yoko Ono, Timothy Leary and/or politics. You know, after being stuck so long in the same room (let alone the same bed) with Yoko, John must have called Leary and asked him to bring over the LSD. After meeting Yoko, Leary decided to turn himself in to the police, he was subsequently jailed and never ran for office under his slogan “Come Together.” The world indeed was a better place.

“I don't want to see a ghost, It's the sign that I fear most, I'd rather have a piece of toast.”
--Des'ree’s “Life”

A piece of toast!? What the... !? I'm scared of ghosts too, but a piece of toast – is toast to ghosts, like garlic to vampires? I know werewolves got all crazy from grains that grew fungi (Ergot poisoning) that turned into hallucinogens…but toast?

“Where you gone for tomorrow?
Where you gone with the mask I found?
And I feel and I feel when the dogs begin to smell her,
Will she smell alone?”
--Kurt Cobain’s “Anything”

Where you gone for? Whoa! I’m glad I only did heroin once and settled on coke.

“I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like...”
--Queen’s “Bicycle Race”

Tsk, tsk Brian May, how could you, a modern poet, be a party to this tripe? By the late 70’s I came to expect Freddie “Cliché” Mercury to rip off artists, but ripping off Arlo Guthrie’s “I don’t want a pickle, I just want to ride my motorcycle” – couldn’t you have found a decent song to jack? At least Led Zeppelin had the good sense to rip off great tunes, from the old time great folk and blues artists; When the Levy Breaks, In My Time of Dying, Custard Pie, Dazed and Confused, Babe I’m Gonna Leave You, Gallows Pole, I Can’t Quit You Baby, Bring it on Home – Oh Willy Dixon and Muddy Waters, where have you gone?

“Your hair/It’s everywhere”
--Dashboard Confessional’s “Screaming Infidelities

I don’t care how you think about this line, it’s gross and weird in every context possible. Even in the context of the song, which is about a painful breakup, it’s creepy.

“Well, I am just a monkey man, I’m glad you are a monkey woman too”
--The Rolling Stones’ “Monkey Man”

I bet you didn’t know this was written as the theme to Planet of the Apes? Having trouble placing this song? Imagine you’re in a dentist’s chair with a 10-inch steel drill about to bore into your molars when this non-Muzak classic pipes in through the office speakers. The singer sounds like he could be your cross-dressing, patchouli-scented sixth-grade science teacher, whispering politely about being in love with you. Then the Monkey Man refrain sets in. Then you pray for the sweet, sweet relief of the drill.

“Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto. For doing the jobs that nobody wants to… Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto”
--Styx’s “Mr. Roboto”

Forwards, backwards, it still sounds stupid. You know that jerk in your school who could burp the alphabet? That’s what this song is like, burp burp burp mr. roboto.

“Uga chacka uga uga uga chacka”
--B.J. Thomas’ “Hooked on a Feeling”

If you want really classic lyrics, you must go back to the 70’s and listen to B.J. Thomas’s (I just love saying his name) “Hooked on a Feeling.” Here come the lyrics again, are you ready for this…? “Uga chacka uga uga uga chacka. Uga uga uga chacka. Uga chacka uga uga uga chacka. Uga uga uga chacka…” Really, it does that for ten seconds before normal lyrics start. And it's a great song, wink wink, tongue in cheek. Check out Hooked on a Feeling when some friends (who are totally altered) are over for karaoke, and get ready to Facebook tag them.

Oh there’s more, much, much more – but I’m tired and my family is leering at me and leaning in the direction of making a phone call, oh wait, I hear Noelopan VIX (aka Jerry Samuels) at the door! !aaaH-aH ,yawA eM ekaT oT gnimoC er'yehT".

Riding in the wheelbarrow -- do you really believe? by Rich Giberti

Riding in the wheelbarrow -- do you really believe?

Sunday, November 15, 2009 at 7:48pm

The Great Blondin

Back in 1859 there was a performer named Jean Francois Gravelot. He was known as "The Great Blondin." This man was a stunt performer or "daredevil." He was a tightrope walker, and he would perform amazing death-defying tightrope stunts.

People would come from far and wide to see The Great Blondin perform. They were amazed at his skill and courage. Blondin's stunts were dangerous enough to make the weak hearted swoon and faint.

And Blondin was quite a showman. You were sure to get your money's worth when you saw him perform. And he really knew how to stir up the crowd. He would begin his stunts by talking to the audience and working them into a frenzy.

Well, the story is told that at one particularly spectacular stunt, where Blondin would attempt to cross the Niagra River on a tightrope, he yelled a question to the crowd. He asked, "Do you believe that I, the Great Blondin, can successfully cross high above this river on a tightrope?" And the crowd yelled back, "We believe! We believe!" Then Blondin began his crossing, and to the thrill of the crowd, he made it safely. The crowd went wild. They clapped and cheered and yelled all the more.

Then Blondin asked the people, "Do you believe that I, The Great Blondin, can again successfully cross over the Niagra River on this tightrope -- this time while pushing a wheelbarrow?" The crowd enthusiastically yelled back, "We believe! We believe! We believe!"

So seeing their enthusiasm, Blondin yelled to the crowd: "Who among you is willing to ride inside of the wheelbarrow and allow me to push you as I cross on this tightrope?" The crowd went silent. No one said a word. All that could be heard was the sound of the wind blowing....

What is the point of this story? Well, how many of us shout and sing that we love the Lord and that we believe in Him and will do anything He asks, yet when He says, "Follow Me," we don't move. When He says, "Obey," we continue doing whatever we want. And when He says, "Let me show you the way," we act as though we don't even hear Him.

If Jesus is your Lord, let Him carry you. Trust Him to lead the way. Give your life completely over to Him and let Him guide you and direct your steps. He won't let you down!

(I heard this story today in church, this analogy for trust profoundly affected me and I wanted to share this. I truly can say that the God I serve has never let me down, and has faithfully and lovingly cared for me for many, many years. Thanks Pastor Robert Furrow, Calvary Chapel - Tucson.)